BrothaLove RantSpace

I get the occasional epiphany

365 Days - 098/365: Frazzled...
Originally uploaded by malik m.l. williams | photography.

not all of them are pleasant.

365 Days - 065/365: Pensieve

365 Days - 065/365: Pensieve
Originally uploaded by malik m.l. williams | photography.

If i look a bit lost in thought, it's because there's a lot on my mind these days. Nearing the end of another quarter at school and things are not exactly on track. I've been having more and more trouble focusing and keeping track of things (and people) and i can't figure out if it's just because i've started to believe in my own ADD diagnosis, or if it really is time to consider medication. Then there's the whole me living in Atlanta while Troy is living in Virginia thing that's never been optimal for either of us.

And i'm working on that letting go thing.

I don't believe in destiny. Not in the sense that most people do, anyway. I do believe that the universe is made up of interconnected energy, though. That everything ultimately affects everything else. (No man is an island and all that.) It seems oddly coincidental that on a day when i was contemplating my future, my path, i happened to have my tarot cards with me at school. (Not the ones that i use for myself, either, so it wasn't like i was planning on looking inward.) A couple of fellow students asked me if i would do readings for them. My spirit immediately told me "yes."

Tarot reading for me is a tricky business. It takes a certain kind of energy to do it, and i have to feel it or i won't force a reading. And while i'm reading, that energy revs up and i get a sort of rush: adrenaline flows, my senses are heightened, and i feel more alive, more tingly-all-over. But it drains me. The energy leaves me weaker than i started, so it's a dicey business not to try and keep reading beyond what the energy has in store.

Today was especially impactful for me because it's been so long since i last did a reading. Yet there were the cards, and there were the guys who wanted their readings done. And though i struggled with the second one, i think it was more about what he was holding back or unaware of than my lack of clarity. At least in part. ;-)

Today, i'm pensive, reflective, thoughtful. Perhaps the time is right to read my own cards...


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From a week of one-shots: posting whatever i get on the first click of the shutter. A week of releasing control.

Rashawn Brazell Scholarship

POSTEr 900
Originally uploaded by LarryLyons2.

Check the link...

I used to be A Writer

My Best
Originally uploaded by malik m.l. williams | photography.

Now i do this. There are 20,000 words worth up there. Some of my best work. But i keep trying to figure out why i can only seem to focus on one thing at a time.

Ever since i started this commercial photography program, my writing has stopped. Completely. The longest thing i've written in months is a rent check to my housemate. Are there people in the world who really can juggle a million things at once and keep track of all of them? I guess Oprah Winfrey is proof there are.

I love photography. I love creating images that i think will last beyond my lifetime, that someone somewhere may enjoy 100 years from now. (Especially if there are still people stealing pictures on the internet by then.) But i'd hate to think that i had to give up something else i loved in order to pursue this passion...

365 Days - 003/365: Turbulence

365 Days - 003/365: Turbulence
Originally uploaded by malik m.l. williams | photography.

Why do i like this photo so much?

Happy New Year!

365days - Day1: This is Me
Originally uploaded by malik m.l. williams | photography.

Over on flickr, there's a group called "365 Days." The object is for members to shoot one self-portrait every day for a year and post it to their photostreams. I decided to start the year off by doing my first shot today.

I think part of my motivation to do this has been the way school and work combined have frustrated me into not wanting to even pick up my camera at times. That's not a good thing for someone working towards becoming a full-time professional photographer. This way, i have a specific commitment of something to shoot every day of 2007.

What a way to kick off the new year, huh?

m

P.S. Oh yeah, i seem to be getting more comfortable with my oddly shaped body too. Click on the picture for a more detailed explanation of my purpose and my process. It's a new year, baby.

RANT ON: How I'm Living

How I'm Living
Originally uploaded by malik m.l. williams | photography.

I hate moving. This time around it was particular hell. I packed up our townhouse and headed to Craig Washington's. (Very comfortable house in a nice, quiet neighborhood. I like it.) The challenge wasn't so much with the fact of moving or where i was moving to. It was more about the volume -- physical and emotional -- of what i had to shift.

I have a serious problem. I've often thought to myself that i don't have friends. If that's true, i know it's my own fault. It's all about me not opening up enough to get close to people, to let them in. The consequence, of course is that i didn't ask anyone for help moving. Anthony and Dereck helped me last Saturday move all the big stuff: the furniture and a washer & dryer that i wouldn't have even been able to get to the curb by myself if i wanted to. I figured i could handle the rest.

It's amazing how much junk one can accumulate in a few years, given enough space to spread it into.

I thought i would be through moving on Saturday and do some minor cleanup on Sunday, then turn over the keys on Monday, July 31. Simple, right? Not so. I got the last of my things from the garage at the old place yesterday. That's Friday, August 4. It was ridiculous. I missed a day of school and a day of work, slept for about ten hours total during the whole week and probably lost another few pounds from all the lifting and sweating.

Now i'm in a junky room that i still need to sort out, full of crap that probably mostly still needs to go to storage, and i'm still trying to figure out how i'm going to make all this work.

The hardest, most trying part of all this, though, isn't that i had to do so much physical work. It's that at times it felt like an ending of something i hadn't planned on ending. I was moving everything by myself because Troy is living/working in Alexandria, Virgina now and it just didn't make sense for us to keep that place AND for him to be renting a place there. But it was OUR place. We got it together, maintained it together, kept it as our home, even after he moved last fall. Now we don't have a home; not together, anyway.

I think that's what took such an emotional toll on me. That's the real, underlying reason why i didn't get moving sooner, didn't pack up little by little over the course of weeks instead of days. I didn't want to acknowledge the ending of that phase of our lives. Of course, it's not the end of our relationship and it probably would be healthier to have a little more pragmatic outlook on things. But it feels like loss. I'm tired, stressed, and a little depressed.

But i better get back to cleaning up and organizing this never-ending move...

RANT ON: Change

Utter Frustration
Originally uploaded by BrothaLoveImages.

I'm not good with change. Yet i hate stagnation. Does this make sense?

I'm in transition at my "day job" right now. Going from a pseudo-management position back to a position with more direct client contact in our HIV Counseling & Testing office. I've been somewhat reluctant to let go of my current duties, even though it's clear that the job is not a good fit for me, especially now that i'm working toward becoming a professional photographer.

But this is just one example of a time in my life where i've been slow to accept changes as they come. So, how do i change the way i respond to change...

RANT ON: My Flickr Addiction

Guiding Forces
Originally uploaded by BrothaLoveImages.

Lately i've been dealing a lot less with words and a lot more with images. Ever since i started the Image Program at The Creative Circus last fall, i've been trying to work through what it is i am visually attuned to. Hence i've strayed away from keeping up my blogging here and i've started becoming much more active with a different kind of online community.

Yes, i've become a flickr addict.

It's a painful thing to have to admit in public, but i want you all to know i am getting help. (I've even joined a "flickr addicts" group, but since it's hosted on the flickr.com site, i'm not sure i can trust them.) Now, instead of checking in on the latest thing i have to say about whatever topic is pissing me off at the moment, i check to see if my flickr friends have left comments on my most recent images or i scan the threads of my favorite groups to see if anyone has posted feedback on a photo i left for critique.

If you're not familiar with flickr, here's your chance find out what got me hooked. Simply go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/brothaloveimages/ and you can peruse my photostream. And ... if you feel so inclined ... you can even join up yourself and add your own images or leave comments on mine and other people's. It's free to join and everybody's doing it...

Oh gawd. I've gone from addict to pusher.

In any case, i hope you check me out. Oh, and one more confession: i just discovered that i can post to my blog directly from the flickr.com environment. (Otherwise, i probably wouldn't be posting this now.)

Now, what did i do with the numer to that flickr anonymous group...

RANT ON: My Week on Meds

WARNING: This is a long story (even for me), but there is a point.

Confession time again. I'm a big ol' baby when it comes to being sick. (Okay, i'm not as bad as some folks, refusing to get out of bed and waiting for people to hold vigils on their behalf until the sniffles go away.) I hear myself complaining though, even if it's only in my head.

Case in point: Last week i went to the doctor because i'd had this horrible rapid-fire sneezing, itching in my nose, sore throat, and occasional cough or two. His diagnosis? Sinus infection. No problem, right, just take some antibiotics and knock it out in a few days. Now, i love my doctor; his bedside manner is the best i've ever seen and i believe he really cares about his patients' well being. So when he went and grabbed me a bag full of prescription meds that he had samples for (so i wouldn't have to buy them), i was thrilled.